The Hidden Face of Coercive Control

WARNING

This story contains descriptions of partner abuse, self-harm, suicide and coercive control. 

Readers may find details disturbing.

T* was just 15 when she met her perpetrator.  

*To protect the identity and safety of the source and her family, her real name has been censored.

At 16 she entered a relationship with him.  

Little did she know what the next year and a half of her life would look like…  

She was policed over FaceTime.  

Forced to delete all social media. 

Prohibited from speaking and interacting with male friends.  

Forced to follow a strict set of over 40 rules.  

And if she did not obey those rules to his standard, he would threaten her by attempting to take his life, berate her with extreme images of self-harm and taunting messages.

This is just a fraction of the coercive abuse T experienced during her teen years. 

Domestic abuse towards women and girls is typically committed amongst adult relationships or where a power imbalance is prevalent. 

But in T’s situation, he was the same age as her, in the same grade, and in the same friend group as her. 

She couldn’t even escape his restraint when she moved interstate with her family. In fact, it worsened. 

The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) defines coercive control as “a pattern of controlling behaviour, used by a perpetrator to establish and maintain control over another person… 

Perpetrators use coercive control to deprive another person of liberty, autonomy and agency”.

This article will not recount every harrowing event T experienced, rather, it wishes to empower those who are questioning their relationship, and educate people to notice unhealthy behaviours, and to take action before things escalate.

“It’s never too soon or too late to reach out,” says relationships counsellor, Debra Bragança, who was a catalyst to T’s journey. 

After her interstate move, T found herself drowning in isolation. 

The mix of constant beratement, extreme surveillance, and a major shift in schooling, along with the incessant voice of a meticulous abuser, drew T away from her once-loved study sessions, and gregarious personality. 

Those close to her, noticed her strangely dim her radiance.

Despite her then-boyfriend’s strong disapproval, T began counselling with the support of her parents and found Debra.

“That was the reason I got out of the relationship.

“She gave me the courage to leave,” says T.

T said Debra taught her that those experiences were not normal and were consistent with the dynamics of an unhealthy and abusive relationship. 

“She told me it was domestic abuse. It was coercive control.”

“I had a lot of preconceived notions about myself […] it had just been repeated to me so many times that I just thought I was the reason for all of this and I lowkey deserved it.”

A report from AIHW reveals that emotional abuse disproportionately affects women, with an estimated 2.3 million women having experienced it at the hands of a current or former partner.

As of 25 May 2025, coercive control was deemed a criminal offence in Queensland, convicting those who are found to “use abusive behaviours towards their current, or former, intimate partner, family member, or informal (unpaid) carer with the intention to control or coerce them”.

Debra says early warning signs of an unhealthy relationship can include excessive monitoring, pressure to change, controlling behaviour, emotional manipulation, unsupportive communication, and unequal emotional investment – patterns that may signal the need to reflect, set boundaries, or seek support before deeper issues of control or imbalance develop.

She says many young people, who are still navigating their first relationships and limited by life experience, often mistake unhealthy behaviours for “normal” expressions of care or affection, when in fact these patterns can amount to emotional abuse. 

“Jealousy is misconstrued as care and affection. What’s possessiveness and controlling is instead misinterpreted as somebody being caring and loving.

“Young people have that feeling of needing to reply immediately. They have [location] sharing, staying in touch constantly with one another.

“There are no expectations around giving up your identity or losing your friends when it comes to a relationship. 

“A healthy relationship requires accepting you for who you are as well as your friendships.

“[Another] common one is that arguing is normal and disagreements are okay. 

“But it’s how we disagree. And I think the misconception is that yelling, disrespect, feeling unsafe, that these are okay in relationship and they’re not.

“There can be misconceptions around what is healthy and what is not [healthy] in a relationship […] especially around that communication and conflict area.”

Looking back, T notices the red flags began very early during her relationship. 

“At the beginning he was very chill, but then, if other men were talking to me that may have liked me in the past, he would just come over and not let me talk unsupervised with them.

“I was pretty young, and I just thought he was being protective.”

T says the COVID-19 pandemic intensified the abuse as she was confined to her house and isolated from her friends – leaving little to no room for someone to notice the harmful dynamics.

 “When I was 16 or 17, is when it really was the height of the abuse.

“I thought I made people miserable. I thought I was the cause for a lot of people’s unhappiness.

“I thought, ‘he’s just cut himself as a way to punish me’. So, whenever I do something wrong, he would take it out on himself and then blame me for it. 

“In my mind it was like ‘oh, I was the reason for all his pain’, which is very untrue.

“If I did anything out of bounds, he would just cut himself or tell me he’s gonna kill himself and show me the noose. 

“He would show me the razor with blood and when I would see him in person, I would literally see the cuts.”

Between 2020 and 2022 it is estimated that nine per cent (or 1.7 million) of Australians aged 16 to 85, had self-harmed in their lifetime. 

Mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety and substance abuse commonly co-occur with self-harm, with further reports showing more than 80 per cent of adolescents and adults who intentionally self-harm have a mental illness. 

Although T says she did not experience physical violence from her ex-partner, it is undeniable the emotional abuse she endured could have escalated further, reflecting how coercive control can sometimes precede domestic violence.

In speaking with close friends while writing this story, it became clear that many young women experience forms of coercive control during their teenage years and often don’t recognise the harm behind such behaviour. 

These early encounters can quietly shape how we perceive love, trust, and relationship dynamics. Now, as women in our mid to late twenties, many of us can look back and recognise what we once felt “normal” was anything but “normal”, and that genuine relationships should feel grounded in safety and peace – not control.

To those who are reading this story who may know someone in a harmful relationship, or themselves are struggling in their relationship, please read the following message from Debra… 

“Healthy relationships are built on respect, on trust, and on safety.

“They’re not built on fear, on pressure or on guilt.

“Asking for help is a sign of awareness and courage.

 “No matter how small or insignificant something may feel, it’s never too soon or too late to reach out.

“So go with your gut.”